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Love You To Death




William and Lorraine want to kill each other. This notion is the result of the dark humor that they share on a regular basis. Their family members are not very amused with the way they entertain each other, but William and Lorraine think it's hilarious. They are officially celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. Their children and other family members are gathered around a table at a fancy Cuban steakhouse. Everyone is enjoying dinner, and William's oldest son stands up to make an announcement. William's son says, "I'd like to dedicate a toast to my Mom and Dad. You guys have been a constant source of love and support for me and my siblings. Through the ups and downs, you have always been our biggest motivator, our anchor, our joy, and our pride."


He says, "And by the way, thank you both for getting together and creating ME, the best of your siblings." Everyone laughs. William responds by saying, "You almost weren't born. I cheated on your mom in high school. She broke up with me but I won her back." Everyone bursts out in laughter and disbelief. William's son is laughing and says, "Jesus, dad." William gives Lorraine a kiss on the cheek, and everyone starts clapping. As everyone prepares to leave the restaurant, they say their goodbyes, then William and Lorraine walk to their car. Lorraine sees a gazebo where they can sit and enjoy the warm summer night breeze. She says, "Honey, let's sit over here." They both walk over to the gazebo and sit for a moment. William says, "This was a good night, right?" Lorraine says, "Of course. The food was phenomenal."


She says, "Everyone had such a good time. It's just too bad you're gonna die tonight." William starts laughing and says, "How am I gonna die this time?" Lorraine says, "I'm gonna glue your hands to your ass, fill a bucket with hornets, tell the hornets that I killed their children to piss them off, dump them on you while you're sleeping, then watch them sting you into heaven." William laughs so hard he starts coughing. He says, "Well, before you can kill me in my sleep, I'm gonna rig the plumbing in the bathroom. When you start taking your shower, I'm gonna seal all the cracks in the bathroom door. When you’re done getting clean, you're gonna try turning the water off, but it won't stop. Water is going to fill the room up to the ceiling. You'll be a dead naked mermaid." Lorraine hits William on the chest and says, "You asshole!"


They both laugh, sit for a few more moments, then finally they head home. Once they arrive at their house, they get prepared for bed. William makes himself some tea and sits in his kitchen. He reflects on all of the good memories that he's had over the years. He's grateful for all of the challenges that he was blessed to overcome. He has a good wife and a good family, and hopefully, he will have many more years to enjoy this beautiful but unpredictable life. He then goes upstairs to join his wife. The lights go off, and William starts to dose off. Just before he closes his eyes, Lorraine says, "I slept with Richard Finley during our breakup in high school." William's eyes become wide open.

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